nor so wide as a church door

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/my-employee-wants-to-know-where-i-am-at-all-times-wedding-drama-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=33556

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My employee wants to know where I am at all times

I started a new management role three months ago and am managing a small team. One of my staff was under-performing when I started, and one of my directives was to get them on a coaching plan, which I have. As a result, they have made complaints that I’m out to get them. Luckily I’ve been documenting everything, and my boss has my back.

My boss had a skip-level meeting with them to allow them to air their grievances. During this, they mentioned that my boss and I should always let them know when we have meetings, for how long, and what they’re for. I do let my team know when I’m away for extended periods, but occasionally will be pulled into a last-minute meeting. The nature of our role doesn’t require to be at my desk at all times, but I would say I’m here for 70-80% of the day.

They have now taken to asking my boss “when can we expect you back?” and “who are you off to visit?” every time he leaves the office (which is a big part of his role). My boss is easily reached by mobile/email, and doesn’t have a lot of day-to-day interaction with the team.

I’m of two minds here. On one hand, I’m trying to build a good working relationship with them in order to coach effectively, and I don’t want to seem inflexible. On the other, they don’t need to know where my boss and I are every second of the day, and this seems like a bit of a power play. Any advice on how my boss/I should address this?

I don’t know if it’s a power play exactly, but it’s something weird. You can and should tell your employee that it’s not a practical expectation.

Say this: “You’ve asked that Apollo and I both let you know whenever we have meetings, how long it’ll be, and what for. You can always look at our calendars to see our schedules, but sometimes we’re pulled into last-minute meetings or have reasons for not sharing details about them, and that’s something you’ll need to just roll with. As part of that, please stop asking Apollo to fill you in on where he’s going and who he’s seeing — that’s not info he needs to share with our team.”

It’s good that you want to build a good relationship with this person, but there are higher priorities in this situation right now. You need to speak up when they’re out of line (as they are). Also, based on everything here (especially the complaints that you’re out to get them), it’s pretty likely this isn’t ultimately going to work out … so keep that in your head as you deal with them and think about your timeline for bringing this to a resolution one way or the other.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

2. If the caterer mentions my mom at my dad’s wedding, all hell will break loose

My dad is getting remarried very soon. My parents divorced 15 years ago.

He and his fiancee hired the same caterer I had at my wedding, who also catered my mom’s remarriage (that was six months after the divorce). This catering company is tiny, and the people who run it are amazing.

My dad has forbidden us from talking about my mom anywhere near his fiancee. I’m sure the caterers will see me and my sibling and mention my mom. If it happens in front of the bride, I’m sure it will not go well for us (or them, for that matter). We want to head it off at the pass, so to speak. How do I do this when I’m not the one who hired them, but I was their customer in the past?

Anyone who does work for weddings is used to dealing with problematic family dynamics, from “keep Uncle Paul out of the photos with Aunt Liz” to “don’t serve Grandma more than two drinks” to “under no circumstances can you let Cousin Cecil anywhere near the bridesmaids’ table.” Compared to some of those requests, this one is pretty easy!

You could contact them as a happy past customer, explain the situation, and ask that they not mention your mom during the event. You could say “I know this is strange to ask” … but they’ll probably be unfazed.

(Alternately, there’s also the option of deciding it’s not going to be your problem if the bride has a meltdown over the existence of your mother … although it might be worth doing to protect the caterers from that. But are you supposed to pretend your mom doesn’t exist when you’re around your stepmom for the next several decades, and does your dad think this bodes well for the marriage?)

– 2021

Read an update to this letter here.

3. I don’t want to talk about my “cool” job

I have a regular, albeit senior level, role with a really “cool”/very well known company. Think head of IT for Manchester United, controller at Nickelodeon, or head of facilities at NASCAR.

I frequently encounter social situations where sharing details of ones job is expected. I hate talking about my job because it draws a lot of attention from people who would otherwise not be interested in me or my work (if not for my “cool” workplace).

Being vague has not worked. I’ll say, “I work in IT” and they’ll ask, “where do you work?” or “what do you do in IT?” Sometimes I’ll throw in the city, as in, “I work in IT in City.” That tends not to work either. It feels awkward to give more than one vague answer because once people pick up on the fact that you’re being vague, their interest is piqued even more. I’ve been in situations where someone will leave me alone and then come back to ask again. When people learn where I work, then they want to know specifically what I do (how senior I am), which again, I don’t really want to talk about.

Any tips on sidestepping discussions of work when people are expecting you to talk about it? Saying that I don’t want to talk about it only leads to more attention and speculation.

I should mention that my social circle, somewhat unwillingly, has changed, and I think that’s why I’m encountering this more often. I get the sense that there is some “sizing up” or competitiveness afoot (most of the people have great jobs and are happy to talk/brag about them). But, even when it isn’t that, I hate talking about work because I talk about it enough at work (and there is a lot I can’t talk about but everyone wants to ask about those things).

I’m surprised people are being so persistent! Even here in D.C. where “what do you do?” is pretty much the first question everyone asks, people generally accept something like “I work in IT” without mounting an inquisition about the details. (Side note: I thought D.C.’s fixation on this was normal until I moved to the Pacific Northwest for a while, where you can go months without knowing what a friend does.)

You could try “I have a job in IT that would make your eyes glaze over” followed by an immediate question about the other person. If you can keep the focus on them, a lot of people will be so pleased to talk about themselves that they won’t realize they’re learning nothing about you.

But it sounds like your circle is so focused on this that you might just need to explain what you do and follow it with, “But I am so talked out about about my job right now and am enjoying not having to think about it in my off hours! Tell me about X instead — that sounds really interesting.”

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

4. Telling my employee I made a mistake with a client

I read your advice about how a boss should handle making a mistake, but something came up today that’s a little different and I’m not sure the best way to handle it. My report, Joe, met with a client, Alice, who had previously met with me, before Joe started in his role (now that he’s here, he handles client meetings). I know that my meeting with Alice went poorly — she was making unreasonable requests and displayed a level of inflexibility that I knew would not get her where she needed, but I also did not do a good job being client-centered and I could tell our meeting left a poor taste in her mouth. Fast forward to this week and Alice set up a meeting with Joe; in that meeting, I overheard her say (repeatedly) how much better he did and how awful I was to her. She also had totally changed her goals and was asking for something that was much more reasonable. I don’t know if she knew that I could hear her (she would have had to walk by my cubicle to get to him) or if she was just venting. I don’t know if Joe suspects Alice was talking about me, but it was clear he handled the whole thing very professionally.

What do I say to him now? I feel like it’s bad precedent for me to not own up to my mistake, but since her goals are totally different than they were before, our conversation isn’t particularly relevant to the work they’ll do moving forward. I would want to give him more context, but I don’t want him to think I’m being defensive — even though she was being unreasonable in our meeting, I think her frustration with how our meeting went is justified. On top of all this, I of course still feel badly about how the meeting went, so it’s not easy for me to talk about at all.

The best thing you can do is to frame it as giving him useful context (which it is), be up-front and matter-of-fact about what happened, and take responsibility for your role in it. This isn’t a horrible indictment of you — we all have bad days and mess things up, and employees generally draw their conclusions about how from how you handle it when that happens, not from the fact that you’re not perfect.

So for example: “I should give some of the history with Alice. She and I met earlier this year about X, and it didn’t go well. She was asking for (explain unreasonable requests) but I frankly didn’t do a great job of explaining to her what our concerns with that would be. My sense is that our meeting didn’t leave her with a great impression, and that’s on me. I’m hoping that by starting fresh with you, things will go differently.”

– 2019

The post my employee wants to know where I am at all times, wedding drama, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/my-employee-wants-to-know-where-i-am-at-all-times-wedding-drama-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=33556